hindi kita kilala
ngunit kahugis kita ng mukha.
sino ka na nga ba?
silakbo sa dibdib ay waring iba.

isa ka lang estranghero,
bakit ganoon na lang ang epekto?
poot, galit, naipong sama ng loob,
pagkamuhi’y di na kayang makubkob.

tunay na nakakapagtaka
di mo rin naman ako kilala, di ba?
wag nang isama sa usapan ating dugo,
lukso ng dugo; dugo ko’y kumukulo.

saan ba kita nakilala?
dati na ba kitang nakasalamuha?
di kita kilala, huwad na ama,
wala na ring balak kilalanin ka.

march 19, 2005
2153H

she opens her eyes with much ado.
she hates the coming of another morning,
the sun is up, another day starts anew,
time again to join the world of the living.

she stands there by the curb,
random people pass her by.
completely apathetically disconnected
and yet she never even bothered why.

she tries to lend her ears to the sound
that resonates not for her to hear.
tries so hard but fails to connect
she and this world just won’t intersect.

she opens her eyes to see
the images turning gray and blurry.
she allows herself a pinprick to feel,
still everything doesn’t feel real.

come night, as soon as her eyes close,
her mind travels instantly
into another world, another universe,
a world her soul craves for hungrily.

psychedelic colors around her twirl
mountains, skyscrapers combine in a swirl.
there, everything is for her to feel,
in her world, everything is just so real.

but mornings come, they always do;
and again she stirs, opens her eyes,
another day to go through
the motions that she so despises.

once again standing there watching by,
entirely disconnected yet uncannily calm.
she never really needed to wonder why,
she lives, dwells in another realm.

entirely disconnected, seeing things from afar,
she stares placidly til the day is done.
night time comes, a welcome refuge,
and then she’s gone…instantly she’s gone.

di inaalintana ang parusang init,
ang dagdag na pagod sa pagod nang katawan.
mga problema’y isantabi pansamantala,
saka na lang yan, p.e. tres na muna.

may iba-ibang trip sa buhay, nagsama-sama,
ang iba’y kunyari ilag pa nung una.
pero sige lang, ganun talaga,
watak-watak tayong nagsimula.

at ayon sa ritmo ng bolang tumatalbog,
pagkakaibigan nati’y sinimulang binuo.
sabay sa bawat dagdag ng mga puntos,
walang alinlangan, tinanggap nang lubos.

sa bawat pasa, sa bawat pag-alalay,
nagkabuhol-buhol na ang mga buhay.
sa bawat tapik, sa bawat ngiti,
mga sikreto’y nasasabi paunti-unti.

sa mga pagkakataong nadadapa,
kakambal nito ang “okay ka lang ba?”
kapag ang bola ay naaagaw, nawawala,
“sige, okay lang yan, bawi mamaya.”

pero lahat ng bagay sa mundo nagtatapos
ito kaya ganoon din ang kahinatnan?
saan, saan pa kaya ito patungo -
magtuloy pa kaya ito pagkatapos ng laro?

sana hindi dito matapos, hindi ito ang dulo
ng mga samahang ating binuo, ating hinubog.
kahit tumunog pa man ang huling pito sa laro,
sana ang bola patuloy pa rin sa pagtalbog.

here is a voice not once listened to,
here are the eyes not once been opened,
here is the hand forced not to do,
here is the mind not much enlightened.

amidst all the growing expectations
here is the one not supposed to falter.
in the middle of everyone’s anticipation
here is the one believed that could conquer.

and yet who is this that is believed
but possesses a total lack of confidence?
who is this one supposed to succeed
but grapples endlessly with ambivalence?

who knows that behind that cold exterior
lies hidden the weak, passive and unassuming?
who knows that in order to please i surrender
before failure renders me barely breathing?

here is the voice not once listened to,
clamoring to be heard, seeking the good.
here is the face without the cold bravado
open, unmasked, hoping to be understood.

to the co-conspirator, the techie guru, the guitar tutor, the PEx partner-in-crime…
to the one who scared the wits out of me while driving in UP @ 2 in the morning…
to my best bud…
to the big bro i never had…

haberday kuya marc dude! gimmick tayo soon.

talk to me about the craziness of kismet
talk to me about the inner workings of fate
talk about what really brought us here
talk about both our minds’ current state.

tell me about bad luck and karma,
tell me about getting back at someone.
tell me it’s a vicious cycle and it’s useless,
tell me it’ll just put me back to square one.

speak to me of destiny, of what’s in store
speak of things to look forward to in the future.
speak to me of the reason behind all of this,
i won’t question you on how you can be so sure.

speak to me about angst, about anger,
speak to me of suffering and never-ending pain
speak to me about how hard it truly is
to just live on and on and still getting no gain.

talk to me about dreaming for more
talk about going for the top, gunning for gold.
tell me when to stop, tell me to listen,
tell me when to quit and do as i’m told.

speak to me of joy and of sadness,
nothing short of depression and of gladness.
speak to me, no more, no less,
of the thin line between sanity and madness.

talk about the silly connivance of things,
talk about weird and uncanny circumstances.
talk about the most foolish things, and scold me,
i seem to be doing those in recurring instances.

talk to me, tell me about something;
speak to me of nothing and of everything.
i resign myself from now on to listening,
just talk to me, speak to me, i’m begging.

written on account of my realization that i may be driving away the people around me with my nonstop blabbering about everything that comes to my mind. you see i don’t normally open up, but when i find someone i am entirely comfortable with, someone i can tell those itsy-bitsy pieces of nutty thoughts i sometimes have, i just can’t stop. i’m really sorry if i do interrupt you when you’re talking about something. it’s not intentional and i mean well. and well, that’s just how i am.

i am (or should be) currently in the climax of my pseudo-academic life, where i will be mercilessly quizzed and tested about the things that i had learned in the past 5.5 years of my life; not exactly put those things in practice though, bummer. anyway, in less than a month, i will be taking the ece licensure examinations. i should be focusing all my energy, my whole being, my chakra, in all its entirety on three subject matters that could literally spell my doom: communications, electronics and good ol’ math.

but what am i doing? after about a year of being stagnant, after a year of literally having a pseudo-writer’s block, i now find myself writing nonstop about everything and absolutely just about anything that would come to mind. i can now just yap and blabber about whatever it is that i’m currently thinking. i find myself putting words on paper (or into a series of 1’s and 0’s to be encoded and decoded by the computer), spewing out verses and seeing things in such an otherworldly way as if there’s no tomorrow. i find myself thinking and reciting artsy-fartsy nonsense in my head like there’s no board exam waiting around the corner, biding its time until it’s the right moment to put my head under the gallows. or the smasher, either of which doesn’t anymore matter. same difference. it’s still my head at stake.

i know i should be thinking of antennas, wave propagation, satellite communications, logarithms, microwave stuff, waveguides, physics, AC and DC circuits, related rates, calculus, and other geeky stuff right now; not of rhyming words and melodramatic sentences. not of how beautiful the setting sun was this afternoon. not of the uncanny way i’ve produced another nonsense congregation of words while sitting on my bed and supposedly solving through the review books. and definitely not of the fact that i’ve been pretty productive in writing during the past couple of months than i was the whole of 2004.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i am panicking, entirely afraid of what the results will be. i cannot concentrate fully on reviewing because there are lots and lots of distractions (american idol is one teehee). i am panicking. and awfully stressed. and the only thing that i can think of to calm myself is to write nonsense like this.

and yet i should be spending that time on studying instead, not blabbering about seemingly useless ideas and wordy stuff. i should be bothering myself with numbers, not with words; with equations, not with phrases. i should be thinking of facts and transmission standards, not of the beautiful things that comprise my parallel universe.

but how, how on earth will i be able to study if i’m panicking? if i’ve got another anxiety attack coming up? if i suddenly find myself pacing back and forth along the length of the room? thank goodness, cara’s asleep, i can’t pace anymore, lest i step on her.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i said i was addicted to planning everything in my life. but right now, i’m kinda lost. i don’t know what to do anymore. i have to study, i have to study, i have to study. but i don’t want to. i don’t want to. i don’t want to. oh holy crapola! what am i gonna do?

Den ganzen Beitrag lesen…

kilcher

kakaibang lungkot ang bumabalot sa akin ngayon. kakaibang pakiramdam na hindi ko mawari kung saan nagsimula at kung ano ang dahilan. may isang prominenteng kawalan ang nagbabadyang lumamon sa natitirang hibla ng kasiyahan na nitong mga nakaraang araw lang ay aking pinanghawakan.

kakaibang lungkot itong unti-unting tumutupok sa akin. at hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang implikasyon nito. nag-ipon-ipon na rin siguro. pagod, sakit, mga problemang hindi ko napapansin, ang pagbaba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko bigla. yun at iba pang bagay na unti-unting humihila sa akin pababa.

nakakatawa. nitong mga nakaraang araw iniisip kong magsulat ng isang masayang entry kasi panay na lang senti ang mga sinusulat ko. isang masayang entry lang, pwede na. sinubukan kong gumawa noong isang araw.

pero ang siste, puro kamalasan na lang ata ang inabot ko. ngayon, iniisip ko na parang ang lahat ng mga bagay sa buong mundo nagtutulong-tulong para hindi ako maging masaya. umaga pa lang ng biyernes, late na ako nagising. late na nga, nauntog pa ko sa banyo. late na nga, ang tagal pang dumating ng fx papuntang morayta. pagdating ko sa review center, nakakainis at math pa ang exam, wala na naman akong alam. kinagabihan kela rhea, nagswimming pa ko sa semento at natakot akong baka napilay ang siko ko. siyempre, hindi maaaring hindi sumakit ang kanang hinlalaki ko. buong buhay ko na ata sasakit yun eh. buong katawan ko ata mababali na. ang saya-saya, di ba?

nagtuloy-tuloy pa hanggang sa susunod na araw ang kamalasan.iniisip ko tuloy, the whole universe must’ve been conspiring against me. naramdaman kong wirdo yung araw na yun. maraming mangyayaring masama. at oo nga, tumpak. ilang minuto sa first quarter ng laro namin, umikot ako nang mali at sa isang iglap, biglang nag-iba ang position ng paa ko at bigla itong nag-fold. bagsak ako siyempre. sino ba naman ang hindi mapapaupo nun? pusanggala, sprain na naman. lahat na lang ng laurin ko may nangyayari sa akin. magchess na lang kaya ako?

pero hindi yun yun eh. hindi naman ako naapektuhan talaga ng mga sakit sa katawan. hindi naman ata yun ang dahilan kung bakit para akong nakalubog sa kawalan ngayon. at hindi ko na to maintindihan. pero siguro nga kasi ganun ang buhay. akala mo ayos ang lahat, akala mo walang problema. pero wag ka, bigla na lang may mangyayaring mali at sunod-sunod na yan, parang domino. isang pangyayaring sa tingin mo ay trivial lamang, isang maliit na bagay ang makakapagsimula ng pagguho ng mundo mo. at bago mo pa madiskubreng sira na pala ang mundo mo, tapos na, gumuho na ito.

kakaibang lungkot. pero siguro kasalanan ko naman ang lahat. oo, pakiramdam ko parati kasalanan ko ang lahat. kung nalulungkot man ako ngayon, siguro dahil hindi sapat lahat ng mga ginagawa ko. kung nasasaktan man ako ngayon, siguro nga kagagawan ko rin naman to eh. kung pakiramdam ko nag-iisa ako, dahil na rin siguro naiiwan ko ang mga taong parating nariyan para sa akin. kung pakiramdam ko wala akong kakampi, siguro dahil hinayaan kong lumayo ang mga parating kumakampi sa akin. kung pakiramdam ko galit sa akin ang buong mundo, malamang lang may ginawa akong masama para magalit ang lahat sa akin.

kakaibang lungkot. kakaibang lungkot ang bumabalot sa buo kong katauhan. kakaibang pakiramdam na hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin at kung ano ang pinagmulan ng lahat ng ito.

kakaibang lungkot ngunit ano nga ba ang aking magagawa? kung sapat lang ang sorry, kung sapat lang ang pagpapakumbaba. kung sapat lang ang panalanging sana ang mga bagay-bagay na mali ay hindi ko na magawa. kung sapat lang talaga, hindi naman magkakaganito. kung sapat na nga ang mga yun, mapapawi naman ang kakaibang lungkot na ito. kung sapat lang sana… kung sapat lang sana pero sa tingin ko hindi yun papasang “pwede na”…kung sapat lang sana hindi ako ngayon parang nag-iisa…

standstill it seems where we are.
crossroads, doubts, uncertainties.
the happy days seem indeed so far.
feels so shattering, feels like love is war.
we may both end up with scars,
feels like we may never reach the stars.

standstill i am but drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but it feels like i’m hanging.
silence between us but it’s deafening.
happy we seem but not rejoicing.

at this confusing point we stand,
like always I’m holding your hand.
i’m missing the jitters
i’m missing the exhilaration.
somehow I’m missing everything,
everything i have had with you.

but when i glimpsed to my side
you’re still with me i come to see
makes it easier for me to decide
whether or not to stay by your side.

all things leave me as i am
clueless, stupid, useless
coz I don’t know if you still want me.

love is like war.
sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t.
but still the same
we both end up with scars.

yell at me.

be furious.

get angry.

coz I’m useless…
stupid…
worthless…

i am no good to you.

but then i have summoned enough courage
to say i still want you
and you’re still the one.

standstill i am but i’m drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but i’m still falling.
silence sure is deafening…

standstill.
standstill, idle we linger…
until i know if you still want me.

standstill.
standstill, idle we remain…
until i know if i’m still the one.

tell me, am i still the one?